Here come the warm Jetts.

I put up a new MP3 for The Jetts "'Rocket 2 U" on The New Black this afternoon.

Tails from the racetrack.

Two embarrassing things happened to me while at the track.

First off a teller scolded me for not being able to process my ticket on a winning bet because I got pizza grease on it. Um, sorry, I'm from West Virginia, I didn't know all your devices weren't grease proof up here. Back home it's a necessity.

The second, while pulling out my notes (yes I had notes, I won 50 bucks didn't I) out of my orange bag all these US Weeklys and Celebrity Livings that I got at work fell out of my bag. I had to drop to my knees and pick them up while holding up the line, needless to say, it didn't do much for my gambling cred.

Speaking of my nancy boy tendencies, I cried and cried and cried while watching the series finale of Six Feat Under last night. I just really love that show, and the finale was stomach punchingly heart wrenching. Rarely do I even shed a tear in a movie and I've never done so for a TV show before, but wow, that was best ending to any show ever. For reals.

Speaking more on my nancy boy tendencies, has anyone seen My Super Sweet 16 on MTV yet? It's rich girls who's parents are spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on their sweet sixteenth birthday parties. It's crazy!

Ugg, I'm feeling matronly, I'm going to go eat some meat or something.

The Bachelor.

Up until the party, the activities planed were still a surprise to Todd, king bach himself. Andy, what's a brother to a king, duke bach, rented a bus. He also got a banquet license so we could drink on the bus with our final destination the horserace track. Surprisingly, I faired pretty well, I brought back about 50 bucks in winnings. Things got pretty wild. Todd became friendly with Ed.



Back on the bus Ed took the phrase "sewing wild oats" to new levels of ecstasy and pleasure. Just kidding Ed. : ) Actually, Ed was a prefect gentleman...I think Todd only made it to 2nd base. More pictures below:

Brown Panty Set.

I DJed at the War Room last night for the Dandy Warhols release party/Jeppe (Senior, from Junior Senior) thing that my friend Nadine put on. I kept my wits about me and didn’t get totally wasted, but I didn’t get into bed until well after three so I'm feeling it today at work. It was super short, I literally DJed like 5 songs, but it was a really good time. I got to see my friends Nolen, Jen, Robert and bunch of other friends that I haven't seen forever. Jeppe played Bell Biv DeVoe and Bobby Brown back to back, I think quality like that speaks for itself.

My walk home seemed like a dream. I was all sweaty and struggling to carry all my DJ crap when in front of The Eagle I saw some commotion going on. Two guys seemed to be arguing over what looked to be a puppet. One of the guys kept yelling "what's his name?" and the other guy said "Brown Panty Set". As walked past them avoiding eye contact I hear a cartoony voice yell at me "linnnnndsey, come over here". The voice kind of sounded like a mixture between Mr. T and Glomer on the old Punky Brewster cartoon. I looked over and a rather large dragon marionette was talking to me and being controlled by my friend Robert.

"I just bought this off a homeless guy", he said. "That guy", I said pointing to other guy, who had wondered off at that point. "No, another homeless guy, that guy just wanted to play with it." Then Brown Panty Set said "let's got to Dick's and get a milkshake". "No", I responded politely, "I've got to work in the morning". Brown Panty Set looked pissed and said "Sute yourself, those milkshakes are good", then left.

As they walked off I heard Robert say "Oh man, my wife's going to be so pissed when I bring you home", and that was the end of it. Geez, full moon weirdness.

What'cha gonna do, brother.

I’ve had a few whirlwind weekends in a row.

Friday, August 5th: I went to Pam’s birthday, where under my luchador alias ‘El Bee’ I wrestled in whip cream. It being her birthday, Pam was the técnicos (good guy) and I was the rudos (bad guy). I rubbed a hand full of whip cream in her eyes blinding her for the remainder of her matches. I took the high road and kept my barbwire wrapped baseball bat at home since it was her birthday.







Saturday, August 6th: History was made at our kickball finals as Champain Jamm became the only defeated (opposite of undefeated) team in WKL's three year legacy! In our final game we let a seven year old girl play for us and laid out a Slip'N'Slide going into first base. After we lost the rest of the afternoon was spent Slip'N'Slideing over on the side lines. I passed out sick when I got home, most likely having to do with exercising, binge drinking, and the hot sun.











Sunday, August 14th: Pam called Heather and I and asked us if we wanted to go to a blueberry farm! On out way there we found this strange Alpine Days Fest going on in North Bend (the town Twin Peaks was filmed in). We ran an obstacle course, jumped in a bounce chamber, bought pickles, watched the Bubbleman, and...wait a second...has anyone ever seen the Bubbleman? He puts children in full sized bubbles which is cool! The only problem is he's an old hippie who works his politics in to his bubble act. He'll make bubbles then be like "don't eat at McDonalds kids" then make more bubbles and say "don't watch Disney films". I'd seen him once before and that gets old real quick, but he was for the most part fun. At Alpine Days he had totally his mind.

He was set up across a booth that was selling candy and soft drinks for children who are dieing in hospitals. I know this because, earlier I bought a CD from them because a kid said "would you like to buy a CD that children who are dieing in hospitals made". Um, yes, I do! Anyways, the bubbleman started attacking the children dying in hospitals booth during his show for selling Minutemade because it's a coke product.

An open letter to the Bubbleman:

I liked you at first because you're business card said "I'm availabbubble for your party" and that's funny. You've got a great show but may I suggest that you keep the political stuff to a minimum. No one wants to see the Bubbleman run down people selling minutemade for children's hospitals! Obviously, Coca-Cola's social responsibility for protecting the environment is debatable, but no one wants hear that debate from a fucking guy who's blowing bubbles. Please shut the fuck up and just make the bubbles.

Signed,

L. Allen Baker

After that we got our olanmills-esque pictures taken at christen booth that were, um, taking peoples pictures, for some reason, see below.



After a snow cone break, we preceded on to our original destination...the blueberry farm! We had to search pretty hard for berries because the farm had been picked though. Afterwards, we stopped by the krispy kream in Issaquah to watch their Rube Goldberg looking donut machine and get some hot donuts. Mmmmm.









This weekend I have Todd's bachelor party, so I'm sure I'll have contracted Hep C by Monday, pictures of that will be forthcoming.

Side note 8/19: I just heard from Brad and he was a judge in the chili cook-off at Alpine days last year. How could an important detail like this about one of my best friends go unknown to me for so long?

Hare Krishna Spam?

I got the strangest spam today:

Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!

I looked in to it and it's some sort of Hare Krishna thing. Strangely enough, when I chanted the mantra it added four extra inches to my penis.

Kissing Cozens.

I put a song on The New Black today for The Concretes "You Can't Hurry Love" also, we kicked off our little experiment in hatred, Crown Dozen's venomous sister er um, cousin-site, Drown Cozen where I did a review of Murderball.

Twelfs.

I put up a new Twelve today on crowndozen, {12 Documentaries You Should See Immediately}.

The Weekend Roundup...that sounds sporty right?

Now that we've played (and been beat by) every team in the Westcoast Kickball League I can give you my honest opinions on the funniest teams of 2005.

1. Champain Jammm - Obviously, we're the funniest team in the league. Everyone tells us so! I think that might be just because we've lost a lot and they feel bad for us, but for reals check out the pictures, really there's no doubt about it.

2. Hell Toupee - Our rivals in fun and suckyness. It wasn't a pity party when of the two crappyest teams in the league faced off. They rammed us but we gave them a reach around and everyone left happy. They loved our sign that said "You Are Keytarded" and um, they have a KEYTAR and a MEGAPHONE, nuff said.

3. The Pirates - My favorite team of all time. Having been in the league all three years they were by far the worst team season one. What a difference three years makes, with basically the same team this year they are in the number two spot with a 7-2 record going into the finals. Their inspirational story gives us hope.

4. Private School Punks - Coached by Bud, my fellow teammate and "bash brother" for the two years prier to The Jam, their beating of a pinata full of beer to a foamy pulp was one of the best taunts we recived all year.

5. Danger Moustache - Renouncing their first two seasons title as "king dicks of the WKL", the DM were pretty mild this year. The guy who bought The Stranger called me Moby a lot but I called him "poor mans Gallagher" (as in sledge-o-matic) earlier, it was a good time had by all! We actually enjoyed playing them, and the game was pretty competitive, one of our better games actualy.

6. The Love - They were very good natured about me dousing them with bottles fake patchouli so obviously their awesome. Not only that, they had one of the best quotes of the season when, while drenching them, someone said "patchouli, fuck that, I wear rose oil!" Hippying it up right till the end they even came and asked if could recycle our poster board after the game, seriously THEY RECYCLED OUR POSTERBOARD, god bless them.

7. The Darkside - We almost won this one, so that made it a really fun. We did our "hey dorkside where's your lamesavers"/ten-sided die landing on dork/dressed in renaissance fair gear taunt to start the game and they just starred blankly at us. For me, this brought their fun quotient down some, not that we haven't been starred at blankly for many of our pre-game taunts but the enjoyably of words like "Dorkside", "lamesavers" and our actual making of a ten-sided die should be universal. Oh, em, and there's this.



8. Kung Fu Street Hustlers - I really don't remember much about them, they threw around the word "chi" a lot. As in, "He's got the chi" which reminded me of 'The Last Dragon', so that's fun.

Moving on to the only two teams that left negative impressions on me.

9. El Camino - They threw beer in Heather's face when she was dressed up as our Champaign bottle mascot Korky. Beyond all that they really just weren't fun.

10. Dead Yuppies - Insult to injury, a few of them were just jerks. They stole our glitter filled water balloons. That's ok, turn a round's fair game. They literally sat down in the outfield after gaining a healthy lead; even know they've got the best record in the league and us the worst. OK, so that's pretty jerky, but whatever. What made me angry was when Peter made an amazing slide to try and catch a ball landing awkwardly on his leg, before knowing if he was alright I heard them making fun of him for missing the ball. Lame.

We have our huge blow out tomorrow in the FESTIVAL O' LOSERS vs. our arch rivals the Hell Toupee. The winners of the game will be crowned the biggest losers of the league (don't make me explain), a title the Champain Jammm have rightfully earned. Wish us luck! We have LOTS of plans up our sleeves; pictures will be coming soon.

Side note 8/18: At the final game some Dead Yuppies got us the hose to operate our slip and slide. As a whole (when competition's not rearing its uggy uggy head) they are nice.

Lord Finesse, No Gimmicks.

The Big Picture theater, one of my favorite theaters in town (not only because they sell booze at the concession stand) is offering free movies and Q&As with the directors afterwards for the Scion Independent Film Fest. I don't know what those poor mans 'Tron' cars have to do with anything, but they're showing some really good films. I just missed 'Dig!' earlier this week unfortunately but the other movies are 'Freestyle: The Art of Rhyme' a documentary on freestyleing with Mos Def, Notorious B.I.G., Ghostface Killah, and Lord Finesse and others. 'Bomb The System', a graffiti movie that sounds like a modern day 'Wild Style' and The Ramones documentary 'End Of The Century'. Is anyone interested in going? All you have to do is RSVP on the scion website.

They wont be showing this 'Freestyle'...sadly.

Family Fodder "My Baby Takes Valium"

I added a new post on The New Black for Family Fodder's "My Baby Takes Valium". My toof removal has had me in such a Vicodin haze for the last week it seemed appropriate.